PDA

View Full Version : jokes



guest
08-05-2007, 12:51
The Dead Duck contributed by Dr. Omar of West Virginia

A woman who was traveling across country in her Motorhome and full timing with her pets brought her very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150!" she cried. "150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been 20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

wigan pier
08-05-2007, 18:59
nice one samm

guest
08-05-2007, 19:09
nice one samm
i try to please...get posting people,im sure we all need a laugh...samm x

knoxy
08-05-2007, 19:14
Paddy and Mick sat down next to a graveyard for a rest.

Paddy turns to Mick and says

"this gravestone says this fella here lived for 127 years!!"

Mick asks "what was his name?"


....Paddy replies..................



"Moyles Tullondon!"

guest
08-05-2007, 19:22
PARKING THE MOTORHOME

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Motorhome to a London City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of 5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.

"Well, then, here are the keys to my Motorhome," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the Motorhome driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him 5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his Motorhome back. "That will be 5,000 in principal, and 15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a cheque and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone I learned that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow 5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Motorhome in London for two weeks and pay only 15.40?"

guest
30-05-2007, 19:41
PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION AS MAY OFFEND....SOME!!
http://www.suddenlysenior.com/Images/3rules330.gif

tofo
30-05-2007, 21:47
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)





To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"





"Don't what?"
Adam replied.


"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.


"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"






"No Way!"


"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.





"Why?"



"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.





"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.


"She started it! "
Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "


"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.



BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.


2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.

In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.



ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:




"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Quick,
send this on to ten people
within the next five minutes.

Nothing will happen if you don't,
but if you do,
ten people will be laughing


borowed from an email to me by an unknown author sorry
couldnt transfer pictur:D es as well

bugsy
24-06-2007, 21:05
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

guest
19-07-2007, 13:10
During one of her daily classes ,a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question: " If you were on a
date - having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her
that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded
by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry,
but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table".

"And you, little Johnny, can you show us your good manners?"

Johnny replied with: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope You'll
get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

firefighter
19-07-2007, 17:54
Guy drivin through the welsh country lanes and he sees a sign at the end of a farm track that says: fresh fruit, fresh veg, fresh paracetamol. Guy goes up the track to the farm and says to the other guy, "did you make a mistake with the paracetamol" other guy says "no I'm a farmer see"!!

snowgoose
01-09-2007, 23:43
PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION AS MAY OFFEND....SOME!!
http://www.suddenlysenior.com/Images/3rules330.gif

Sam I'm afraid I allready obey rules 1 & 3 but Not sure wot No 2 is memory getting weak:D :eek:

paulamy
02-09-2007, 06:58
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.
The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.
While walking, the Scotsman sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also.
The Irishman is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."

snowgoose
02-09-2007, 12:35
Would love to join in but mine would be seen as RUDE or Racist by some.Soory.
snowgoose.

Biker Jeff
06-09-2007, 12:02
PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION AS MAY OFFEND....SOME!!
http://www.suddenlysenior.com/Images/3rules330.gif

At that age, i always thought it was...... Never take a hard on for granted.

Talking of erections..... Have you heard about the new Viagra Eye Drops....
They make you look hard.

merlin wanderer
07-09-2007, 12:46
guy goe's into the bakers says two hot pies love
assistant say the gas is off the only way I can heat
them is by placing them under my arms
bloke say's thats fine am starved love
other bloke leaves and says sod this I was after
a hotdog :eek:

fincsher
20-01-2011, 05:23
This thread is really great! I can't stop laughing with the jokes!! LOL more jokes!

David & Ann
20-01-2011, 08:13
A NUDE diving contest between an Englishman, Scotsman, Welsman & Irishman. English & Scottish guys dive and come up perfectly. Welsh guy dives beautifully but comes up ARSE first. Irish guy refuses to dive; asked why by the others. He said "The Welsh guy came up with a cracked skull"

Justin and Jane
20-01-2011, 22:13
2 eggs boiling in a pan'
1 egg said to the other' its bloody hot in ere!
The other said'

wait till ya get outside ya get ya head smashed in!! ;);););););););)


classic lol;)

Jo001
21-01-2011, 12:41
what's brown and sticky?










a stick ...

NicknClair
21-01-2011, 16:30
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

NicknClair
21-01-2011, 16:32
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.


CLICK HERE TO REMOVE THESE ADVERTS