View Full Version : Paddy Jokes

12-11-2013, 10:17
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the winner of the next race ?"

Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."

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A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.

The driver won 52 !

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Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

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Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it.

He phones the police and says " I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "is it tickin ?"

Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

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The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

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Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

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Paddy and Mick found three hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.

Mick says "What if one explodes before we get there ?"

Paddy replies "We'll lie and say we only found two !"

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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me."

Paddy says "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

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Paddy spies a letter lying on the doormat.

It says on the envelope 'DO NOT BEND '.

Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the letter up.

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Paddy's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper".

He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper" his wife asks.

"Here Boy" he replies.

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Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell are you doing" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be round your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "But I couldn't breathe".

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An American tourist asks Paddy "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boat?".

Paddy replies 'If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat".

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12-11-2013, 10:30
F&@k off. I am 1/8th Irish and find this very offensive.
Any Toon jokes?

12-11-2013, 10:42
How to confuse an Irishman.

Show him 3 shovels and tell him to take his pick.

Stand him in a barrel and tell him to p*ss in the corner.

red ted
12-11-2013, 13:01
F&@k off. I am 1/8th Irish and find this very offensive.
Any Toon jokes?is that the top 1/ 8th or the bottom 1/8th

12-11-2013, 14:57
is that the top 1/ 8th or the bottom 1/8th

Top bit. The brains :D

12-11-2013, 15:28
Top bit. The brains :D

dats a craaacker...so it is ..to be shure

12-11-2013, 15:53
Pat and Mick were out for a walk in the English countryside when they came across some Tree surgeons felling a tree.

"Now would you look at dat", says Pat.

"Whats dat Pat"?, says Mick.

"They call us Irish stupid but have you seen what it says on their van", said Pat.

"I see what you mean Pat", said Mick, "It says Smith and Jones, Tree Fellers but that's only Two fellas".

12-11-2013, 16:02
i for one......... dont find irish jokes funny......theryre bloody hysterical....french ones too ....but not feminist or racist jokes oh no

12-11-2013, 16:09
i for one......... dont find irish jokes funny......theryre bloody hysterical....french ones too ....but not feminist or racist jokes oh no

And these aren't racist then......

12-11-2013, 20:19
i'm irish never been offended by paddy jokes they're told all over the world in america they're polak jokes france-belgian australia-kiwis, i'm sure the japs tell the same jokes about the chinese,
some of the best irish jokes i ever heard were by dave allen he always said your pretty insecure if you can't laugh at yourself.

12-11-2013, 20:51
And these aren't racist then......

yes i agree with you

13-11-2013, 10:40
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea-stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

13-11-2013, 10:43
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life.

Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."

His wife asked, "What is that?"

Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I
pick your legs up and take you from behind!"

His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it
hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my
mother's house!"

13-11-2013, 16:46
BEJEEZUS !!! I'm about to contact the Campaign for Racial Equality.

13-11-2013, 17:38
There's been an Irishman in my garden for years. Say he's Paddy o'furniture.

13-11-2013, 18:47
will ya not be dancin?????

n brown
13-11-2013, 18:57
just saw in Private Eye's Dumb Britain,in the show 'Tipping Point'...the question'' what crop grows in paddy fields?'' the answer from Stacey Solomon-'potatoes'

13-11-2013, 20:19
What do you call an Irishman with wet hair?
Tim O'Tei

13-11-2013, 20:57
educated paddy ask his gipsy wife, have you ever read dickins,no she replied ; but iv been to a few.

14-11-2013, 17:42
Two plane loads of Scouse volunteers left Merseyside today bound for the Philippines.

They will be assisting with the looting.

15-11-2013, 11:17
"Can I have some Irish Sausages please?" asked Paddy

The Assistant looked at him and asked, "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?

What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

So with self-indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase!!"