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gaz2676
16-11-2013, 18:02
NUDISTS ...in cold weather when your forced to wear clothes ...simply pin a photo of your genitalia on the front of your trousers
DRIVERS ...drop gravel into your fuel tank so you can fill your car up for less at the petrol pumps
TRANSEXUALS...make yourself feel more like a woman by driving your car badly while talkin bollucks
HOMELESS lighten your load dont buy a dog
SUBMARINE DESIGNERS.... put any water pipes on the outside of the sub ..that way if they burst theres no harm done
GENTLEMEN next time you make love to a lady cross your eyes ...hey presto that saucy threesome with identical twins it is

MaryMC
16-11-2013, 18:09
A bit of good advice there. Gaz.:cool1:

gaz2676
16-11-2013, 18:12
small children can choke on boiled sweets .....other good objects to try are marbles and gobstoppers

gaz2676
16-11-2013, 18:14
A bit of good advice there. Gaz.:cool1:

i have me good faults

maingate
16-11-2013, 18:31
A slow night in Cumbria by the sound of it.

Is it still raining? :raofl:

gaz2676
16-11-2013, 18:34
oi can jump in me campa an come visit you to liven my night up ....would you like that????
no it aint at mo ...back to the news room

gaz2676
16-11-2013, 18:40
last night while driving on the A69 i saw a sign saying... stationery vehicles ahead..i was just thinkin which thicko spelt stationary with an E an then i ran into the back of a W H Smith lorry

mark61
16-11-2013, 18:41
Top tip from Viz. :)

WOMEN. Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a **** anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

gaz2676
16-11-2013, 18:42
sweet
pmsl

maingate
16-11-2013, 18:49
oi can jump in me campa an come visit you to liven my night up ....would you like that????
no it aint at mo ...back to the news room

Why aye man, get ower here.

The builders need a labourer. :dance: (getting some work done on the hoose).

Not raining in Cumbria? The TV cameras will be there tonight then. :(

gaz2676
16-11-2013, 18:54
labourer ......why do you need a supervisor

NeilyG
16-11-2013, 19:31
Hi, you know how much I look up to you, gaz. Will take your tips on board - valuable lessons in life.

(But I'm not sure about seeing double vision of the Goose - will pass on that one.)

MykCamper
16-11-2013, 19:33
:nicethread:Keep it up Guys, this is better than the telly!! :lol-053: Is this typical of Cumbrian banter when bored with chasing sheep??:beer:

maingate
16-11-2013, 20:03
:nicethread:Keep it up Guys, this is better than the telly!! :lol-053: Is this typical of Cumbrian banter when bored with chasing sheep??:beer:

They never get bored with chasing Sheep.

Worse than the Welsh ..... and no so fussy. :)

n brown
16-11-2013, 20:31
it's what they do to goats that nobody speaks about,it's,well, unspeakable

oldish hippy
16-11-2013, 20:35
sitting waiting for next exciting episode of the goat hunter lol

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 14:09
They never get bored with chasing Sheep.

Worse than the Welsh ..... and no so fussy. :)

the sheep are used to it some of the good uns dont run as fast anymore .....hell of a lot say....... northerners are better lovers than the welsh

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 14:12
it's what they do to goats that nobody speaks about,it's,well, unspeakable

two words for you nige
Your Despicable.wmv - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yv566MGYlg)

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 14:45
A POST IT .....note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers
TOWN COUNCILS..... reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks
SINGLE MEN.... fool folk into thinking you've got a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with loads of bags
SHOES...... last twice as long if only worn every other day
EMPLOYEES .....only use the loo at work...... not only will you save money on toilet paper but you'll also be getting paid
EMPLOYERS ..... avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin
DRIVERS....avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving..... simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea
DRIVERS.....if a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically ...this should help the car start and send them on their way
CAR THIEVES....don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 14:49
TWINS. .....always make your twin try on a new outfit before you buy it so you can see exactly how you will look in it. ....This does not work if your twin is of the opposite sex.

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 14:50
US TROOPS....... catch members of the Taliban by setting large moustraps in the tora bora hills and baiting them with a little girl learning to read

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 14:52
SURPRISE..... your wife by tidying her underwear drawer when she's out. try on stockings to check for ladders, and try on bras and suspenders to check for broken clasps. Keep defective lingerie hidden in the shed as it can be used to clean up paint or tie garden canes, etc.

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 14:55
.....if it aint northern ...then fix it

rockape
17-11-2013, 17:26
Top tip from Viz. :)

WOMEN. Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a **** anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged. I can even fake my orgasms.

rockape
17-11-2013, 17:29
SURPRISE..... your wife by tidying her underwear drawer when she's out. try on stockings to check for ladders, and try on bras and suspenders to check for broken clasps. Keep defective lingerie hidden in the shed as it can be used to clean up paint or tie garden canes, etc. I told my wife I have a thing about black underwear,,,,,, she never washed my shreddies for 3 weeks.

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 17:49
i am that good at fakin an orgasm...... even i cant tell ....both times
ya wanna see me fake a fake orgasm ....youll never be able to tell

splitty67
17-11-2013, 20:26
ATTENTION: for all men who suffer from premature ejaculation, there will be an anonymous meeting at the local pub tomorrow...

...Be sure to come early!

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 21:03
FOOL YOUR..... friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margarine and ripping holes in the bread
WHEN VERY.... drunk and taking a sh1t never under any circumstances stop to blow your nose when wiping your asre
BMW DRIVERS..... when approaching a traffic jam on a motorway feel free to do a last minute swerve into the lane I'm in halving the braking distance I was allowing myself and putting the horses I was transporting on their fcuking knees

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 21:10
BIRDWATCHERS.....save hours sitting around waiting to see which species land on your birdtable. ....simply mix the food with rat poison and hey presto ... dozens of birds laying around the foot of the table for you to inspect and tick off in your book at leisure
AMERICANS...... wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side with your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days
BASEBALL ....cap manufacturers. save the wearer the bother of turning your caps round by putting the peak on the other side
SHOPPERS....confuse staff at argos by stealing all the biros and replacing them with IKEA pencils.

splitty67
17-11-2013, 21:19
MORE USEFUL TIPS;
WOMEN If you've had enough of your surgical enhancement and have now decided on a breast reduction, don't throw those silicone implants away as they make ideal water beds for hamsters.
NON-SMOKERS If you are holding a dinner party and inviting guests who smoke, yet you don't wish to feel out of place, crushed up moths in an ashtray makes pretty convincing fake ash
MEN As winter approaches and the temperatures drop, have you considered making your own fleece-lined trousers to keep your legs warm? Simply use a pair of your wife's old tights and empty the Hoover bag into them, cheap and simple.
ON THE SUBJECT OF TIGHTS AGAIN If you put a pair on, fill them with sausage meat, then thread different coloured electrical wires through the meat, it looks convincingly like varicose veins.
THE next time you have pork chops for lunch, don't just throw those bones away, a lick of varnish and hey presto, they make ideal and fittingly stylish coffin handles for dead butchers

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 21:20
yes folks another slow night in n/e cumbria
maingate if ya wanna know about the weather tonight
ya gotta window open it

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 21:22
GUYS.... if your lady's reluctant to swallow, make her eat halloumi cheese to get her used to the taste....so ive been told ..... ( cough)

oldish hippy
17-11-2013, 21:25
GUYS.... if your lady's reluctant to swallow, make her eat halloumi cheese to get her used to the taste....so ive been told ..... ( cough)

any one want to try this out i will get the cheese and get gaz to get me some it will be a little ripe by the time it here from cumbria via greece or could ask the locals to get me some when they next over there seing there rellys as there are a lot of them in this town and you can tell me if it work then ican inform gaz wether he right or wrong lol

gaz2676
17-11-2013, 21:29
any one want to try this out i will get the cheese and get gaz to get me some it will be a little ripe by the time it here from cumbria via greece or could ask the locals to get me some when they next over there seing there rellys as there are a lot of them in this town and you can tell me if it work then ican inform gaz wether he right or wrong lol

or pop along to tescos n surprise the wife
angies tossing my salad as we speak
more salad cream darling
gotta go.....


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