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Siimplyloco
01-12-2013, 21:28
What to you call Santa's little helpers?

Subordinate Clauses!

John

runnach
01-12-2013, 21:42
What to you call Santa's little helpers?

Subordinate Clauses!

John

Taxi for John :D

chrisinbrighton
01-12-2013, 22:01
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

Siimplyloco
01-12-2013, 22:25
What do you get if you mix oil and money?

A FIFA decision.....

:goodnight:

chrisinbrighton
02-12-2013, 06:27
Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!

Siimplyloco
02-12-2013, 07:54
What did the Buddhist monk say at the McDonalds counter?

"Make me one with everything..."

chrisinbrighton
02-12-2013, 08:00
What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas?
Your mum.

red ted
02-12-2013, 08:10
What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas?
Your mum.i ask my girlfriend what does she want for christmas,she said i want yo be seen in something long and flowing,so i threw her in the river

Siimplyloco
02-12-2013, 08:13
Patient: Doctor, one minute I think I'm a Wigwam, the next I'm a Teepee!
Doctor: I know your problem, you're too tense!

chrisinbrighton
02-12-2013, 08:17
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

Bopper
02-12-2013, 11:21
Christmas Carols For The Psychiatric-ally Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away).

Siimplyloco
02-12-2013, 12:16
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

Told to me by a very posh lady when we were in New Zealand.

Q. "What's long, hard, and screws Australians?"

A. "Primary School!"

But she didn't say 'Screws' at all.......

chrisinbrighton
02-12-2013, 15:34
Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews.

Siimplyloco
02-12-2013, 15:41
Come on all! We can do better than that! Try this one:

Q. What do crackers, fruitcakes and nuts remind you of?

A. Look around you!

twosugars
02-12-2013, 16:33
I asked the wife what she wanted for christmas, she said "a divorce".

" jeez woman" i replied, " i wasnt intending to spend THAT much!"

Siimplyloco
24-12-2013, 15:04
Heard on Breakfast TV today

"What sort of paper likes music?"

"Wrapping Paper!"

Siimplyloco
24-12-2013, 15:28
I was offered a job helping a one-armed typist with her capital letters.
I turned it down: it was shift work!

loulou
24-12-2013, 23:30
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

loulou
24-12-2013, 23:33
I went to a shellfish disco and I pulled

...a muscle


:lol-053::lol-053::lol-053:


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