View Full Version : Burns NIght Jokes - or any other night!

21-01-2014, 12:46
An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.

This continues with the next patient:

Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

Cheap and cheerful lodgings
A lodger in a Scottish guest house in Milngavie, near Glasgow, was on his way to the bathroom carrying his shaving gear, when the landlady stopped him and said, 'Have you got a good memory for faces, Mr MacGregor?'

'Och aye,' Mac replied.

'That's just as well,' she said, 'because there's no mirror in the bathroom.

Hostile Natives
MacTavish visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly.

'At 4 o'clock every morning,' he told a friend, 'they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Och, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.'

Job hunting in Scotland
'Are you looking for work Jock?'
'Not necessarily - but I'd like a job.'

Scotland - The home of golf
Sign at a Scottish golf course:
'Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.'

Canny Scots
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 [$20,000USD] and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £150.'

Scottish Kirk (Church) Announcement
The following was seen on a poster outside a Kirk in Arbroath: DRINK IS YOUR ENEMY.

Adjacent to this was another poster which said: Love your enemy.

Ear Muffs
Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.

Noticing, however, that Archie wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, 'Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?' Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, 'Och, they are a wondrous thing.'

'Then why don't you wear them then?'

Archie explained, 'I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear him.'

Double-glazing in Scotland
Double-glazing is big business in Scotland in the hope that the children cannot hear the ice-cream van when it comes round.

Haggis Special

Maître d'hôtel: 'Are you here for a special occasion?'
Campbell: 'Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns Contest, a haggis dinner for two.'

Maître d'hôtel: 'What were the other prizes?'
Campbell: The second prize was a single haggis dinner, and, if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.'

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.