View Full Version : A few from me

07-08-2014, 12:04
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.
The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."


This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment.
"Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back."
"I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes."
"That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call.
"How's it going with the mice, buddy?"
"Not so good, dude."
"What's the problem?" his friend asks.
"To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."


I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents the other day.

After saying Hello, My dad pulled me away and whispered,

"**** me, you could have done better than that, son. She's the ugliest pig I've ever seen.

She must weigh 25 stone, Covered in spots, lips like a cod, She's even got a beard!

She's cross eyed, got a bald head, size 15 feet, and she ****ing stinks!"

"No need to whisper, Dad..." I said, "...She's deaf!"