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Polar Bear
01-09-2014, 14:55
You gotta love Jewish humor!



A Pregnant Jewish Girl



A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.



A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.



"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."



"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."



"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"



All is silent at this point,

the mother, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,



"So, ....you'll try again."



and



Tale of woe








I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I canít stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete
failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took
home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to
it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you ass hole, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"



and




Old men are nicer!

An old guy was in Waitrose the other day, pushing his shopping cart around,
when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.

He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight, white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours!"

Us old men are helpful like that! :eek:


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