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View Full Version : 30 one liners



Tezza33
12-09-2014, 13:06
Groucho Marx
'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.'

Peter Kay
'My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.'

Tommy Cooper
'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.'

Woody Allen
'Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.'

Billy Connolly
'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'

W.C Fields
'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.'

Tony Hancock
'This radio lark's a wonderful hobby, y'know. I've got friends all over the world, all over the
world... none in this country, but friends all over the world.'

Les Dawson
'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.'

Spike Milligan
'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.'

Dorothy Parker
'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.'

Gore Vidal
'Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.'

Bob Newhart
'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Jimmy Carr
'I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".'

Ken Dodd
'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.'

Noel Coward
'Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.'

Oscar Wilde
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the
uneatable.'

Eric Morecambe
'I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.'

Mark Twain
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.'

Bob Hope
I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: "That never stopped you before".

Joan Rivers
'The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.'

Bill Cosby
'Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.'

Mae West
'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.'

Terry Jones
'He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!' (in Monty Python's Life Of Brian)

Jay Leno
'Politics is just show business for ugly people.'

Kenneth Williams
'Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!'

Jack Dee
'The film industry is like Anne Robinson - always on the lookout for a new face.'

Jerry Seinfeld
'I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.'

Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil's Dictionary
'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.'

Homer Simpson
'Trying is the first step towards failure.'

Oliver Hardy to Stan Laurel:
Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.'

Neckender
12-09-2014, 19:34
Charlton Heston, I feel like a one legged man at an ass kicking convention.

John.

jagmanx
12-09-2014, 20:19
Groucho Marx
'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.'

Peter Kay
'My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.'

Tommy Cooper
'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.'

Woody Allen
'Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.'

Billy Connolly
'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'

W.C Fields
'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.'

Tony Hancock
'This radio lark's a wonderful hobby, y'know. I've got friends all over the world, all over the
world... none in this country, but friends all over the world.'

Les Dawson
'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.'

Spike Milligan
'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.'

Dorothy Parker
'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.'

Gore Vidal
'Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.'

Bob Newhart
'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Jimmy Carr
'I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".'

Ken Dodd
'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.'

Noel Coward
'Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.'

Oscar Wilde
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the
uneatable.'

Eric Morecambe
'I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.'

Mark Twain
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.'

Bob Hope
I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: "That never stopped you before".

Joan Rivers
'The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.'

Bill Cosby
'Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.'

Mae West
'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.'

Terry Jones
'He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!' (in Monty Python's Life Of Brian)

Jay Leno
'Politics is just show business for ugly people.'

Kenneth Williams
'Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!'

Jack Dee
'The film industry is like Anne Robinson - always on the lookout for a new face.'

Jerry Seinfeld
'I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.'

Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil's Dictionary
'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.'

Homer Simpson
'Trying is the first step towards failure.'

Oliver Hardy to Stan Laurel:
Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.'

Tony Blair
Believe me I'm a politician !


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