View Full Version : Why should we suffer these awful puns alone

14-09-2014, 11:27
"A pun in time..."
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

n brown
14-09-2014, 13:28
the neighbour threw a lump of cheese at me, then half a pound of butter
i thought '' how dairy ! ''

14-09-2014, 14:31
My Wife threw a large block of cheese at me, I thought 'that's not very mature'

14-09-2014, 14:55
"Doctor!". "One minute I'm a tepee, the next I'm a wigwam!"

"Calm down, you're too tense!"

n brown
14-09-2014, 15:27
people who complain about constipation are full of crap

having sex in a lift is wrong on so many levels

14-09-2014, 15:30
-I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

-When chemists die, they barium.

-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

-This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

-PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

-Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

-We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

-When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

-Broken pencils are pointless.

-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

-England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

-I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

-I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

-Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

-Velcro, what a rip off!

-A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

-Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

-The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

-Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

-When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

-I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

-Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

-Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

-Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

-Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

-A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

-A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

-Without geometry, life is pointless.

-When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

-Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

-A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

-Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

-What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)

-A backwards poet writes inverse.

-In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

-He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

-Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

-What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

-There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

-The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, “Did you get my drift?”

-Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant’s fingers.

-Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

-When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked “Are you two an item?”

-When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

-This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”

-A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces “I’m lookin’ fer the man who shot my paw.”

-A termite walks into a bar and says “Is the bar tender here?”

-Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Hey get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

14-09-2014, 20:08
I knew there would be trouble posting that.... Pandora's Box is open .

What game do you play with a Wombat ?.....


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WOM !!