View Full Version : Jock joke

27-01-2016, 18:55
Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy"

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!"

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):

"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur fxxx sake, where did aw these English bxxxxxxs come fae ?"

Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"

Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yeez on Fekin Tuesday!!"

27-01-2016, 19:02
Me and my wife have been together a long time, and our favourite sexual position is the Scottish World Cup Squad.
Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication and we never even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by a very bad soundtrack, horrible dribbling and never ever a clean sheet. It's always over far too quickly and when it does end I know it will be at least another 12 years before it happens again..

27-01-2016, 19:08
I can remember the last game between England and Scotland, 10,000 beer cans were left in Glasgow green by Scottish football fans.

Both of them were arrested.

27-01-2016, 19:12
Two Scottish businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick English twat is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Englishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a posh accent asked, "What are you selling here dear chap"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes."

Without skipping a beat, the toff said, "You are doing well. Only two left

27-01-2016, 19:23
A man decides to get away from it all and live in a remote place in the Scottish Highlands. After a month of isolation, he gets a knock on the door. A farmer is standing there, and says: "I'd like to invite you to a party I'm having," the man says.

"Great, I'd love to go to a party."

"I'll warn you, there'll be a lot of drinking," says the farmer.

"That's ok, I haven't had a drink in ages" replies the man

"There might be a few fights, too" says the farmer.

"That's ok, I can take care of myself," replies the man.

"And in the early hours, it might get a bit frisky. There'll be lots of sex," says the farmer.

"Great," says the man, "I'll bring some pizza, sandwiches, pasta and loads nibbles"

The farmer replies "no need it'll be just me and you"

27-01-2016, 19:25
Nintendo have brought out new games for the parents of disobedient Scottish children.

Wii shite and Wii baxxxxd will be available in shops from Monday

27-01-2016, 20:03
Enough! Enough!

Thanks Jim, I'm having to wipe my eyes on the hem of my kilt.

28-01-2016, 07:03
A old man dies in Aberdeen and his widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says, 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband.'

The man at the desk says, 'OK, how much money dae ye have?'

The old woman replies, '5' to which the man says, 'Ye won't get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok.'
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.

The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid.' He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying, 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.'

The old woman thinks for a minute and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads - 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid.
Ford Escort for sale.

Dezi :pc:

Sharon the Cat
28-01-2016, 07:38
The phonetic Scottish in the first one is classic.
(I went to school in Scotland.)

28-01-2016, 12:14
The phonetic Scottish in the first one is classic.
(I went to school in Scotland.)

It's called fluent glesga sharon, it's a mixture of English and Buckfast

28-01-2016, 12:18
I seen the Scottish version of "The Chronicles of Narnia."
It's called,
"Lying Pissed in the Wardrobe."

28-01-2016, 12:20
How do you know a Scottish truck driver has been sh#gging yer misses?

The sheets are rolled up to the heedboard, the mirrors smashed and he's lost his load on the floor. :giggle:

n brown
28-01-2016, 18:28

28-01-2016, 19:49

Amanda lol ha ha