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Thread: A Mixed Bunch

  1. #1
    Pauljenny's Avatar
    Pauljenny is offline Failed jackpot winner
    Name: Where's Me- Wallet
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    Halfway up an East Algarve hillside
    Bentley Indigo

    A Mixed Bunch


    A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
    He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

    Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
    Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

    An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
    He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

    A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
    "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
    "Yes, they help me sleep at night."
    "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
    She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks, and believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."

    Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
    1) It is perfect formula for the child.
    2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
    3) It is always the right temperature.
    4) It is inexpensive.
    5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
    6) It is always available as needed.
    And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
    7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

    An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

    Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
    The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.
    Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"
    The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross and said:
    "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"

    One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to make soup. He quickly handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully.
    Soon after I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand.
    Instead the sergeant said, "This tastes really good... are you sure you followed the recipe?"

    I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter.
    Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, “For the talent show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?”
    Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, “What’s the difference?”

    A man opens an outdoor stand to sell bagels and puts up a sign, "50 cents each." A jogger runs past and puts 50 cents into the bucket but doesn't take a bagel. The next day, he does the same thing. For weeks and then months, this goes on.
    One day, as he's jogging past, the owner joins him. The jogger laughs and says, "I know why you're here. You want to know why I always put money in the bucket and never take a bagel?"
    "No," says the owner, "not that. I just want to tell you that the bagels have gone up to 60 cents."

    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed
    young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
    'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
    ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money,’ and she proceeded to close the door.
    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
    ''Don't be too hasty,'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
    And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
    “ Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
    The old lady stepped back and said, "Well , let me get you a fork, ‘cause they cut off my electricity yesterday!"

    After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her.
    "Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million."
    "Don't be ridiculous," she replied. "I don't care who left it to you."

    A father texts his son: "My dear son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father."
    His son texts back: "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"
    His Father replies: "I know."

    Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for
    $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'
    The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
    The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
    The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

    Some great sayings!!
    "U cannot taste me, until u undress me?" -Banana
    "U cannot eat me unless u lick me" - Ice cream
    "U cannot play with me unless u blow me" - Balloon
    "U cannot enjoy me unless u suck me" - Lollypop
    "U make me wet & put me in your mouth everyday" - Toothbrush
    "U can not enjoy me unless u spread me" - Butter.

    A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
    "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
    Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
    The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...
    At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
    When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
    If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really sh@g, I'll have nothing left to live for."

    We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting.
    “He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said.
    “That won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.”

    Store keeper: Good morning Sir! How may I help you?
    Customer: Why is this water bottle cost so much? It's $20 per liter!
    Store Keeper: Sir, this is pure water from an ancient glacier of the Alps. That's why it is very costly.
    Customer: Pure water from the Alps, huh? Then why is the date of expiration September 2017?
    It's not where you live... It's HOW you live..

  2. #2

    Member Number
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    Aug 2011
    Horsham, West Sussex
    Compass Avantgarde 140 💫
    Oh Paul, what have you done? Every time I hear the word crematorium from now on I'll be giggling. I'll be a social outcast within a year
    Thanks Pauljenny thanked for this post

  3. #3

    Member Number
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    Jan 2014
    A yawn is just a silent scream for beer.
    Thanks Pauljenny thanked for this post

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