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Thread: New Priest

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    New Priest



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    A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

    The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

    So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

    Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.


    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.


    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.


    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..


    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.


    David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..


    9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.


    10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'


    11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."


    12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.


    13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


    14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

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    "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub" Brilliant.

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    When I was 13 and about to be Confirmed in C of E it was realised that I had not been Baptised, for various reasons.

    We arranged a Service at the local church for 1500 on a Sunday. 1515 no Vicar. Someone went to the Vicarage and hauled out a very p*ssed Vicar.

    During the Service there was a huge thunderstorm overhead.

    Will I be accepted in Heaven?
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    Pauljenny is offline PHEASANT PLUCKER
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    Quote Originally Posted by nicholsong View Post
    When I was 13 and about to be Confirmed in C of E it was realised that I had not been Baptised, for various reasons.

    We arranged a Service at the local church for 1500 on a Sunday. 1515 no Vicar. Someone went to the Vicarage and hauled out a very p*ssed Vicar.

    During the Service there was a huge thunderstorm overhead.

    Will I be accepted in Heaven?
    They don't allow wildcamping in heaven... Its one huge caravan club campsite.
    Hell, on the other hand, is full of ex wild campers.. They are used to roughing it and feel perfectly at home.
    It's not where you live... It's HOW you live..
    Likes nicholsong, mariesnowgoose liked this post

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pauljenny View Post
    They don't allow wildcamping in heaven... Its one huge caravan club campsite.
    Hell, on the other hand, is full of ex-wild campers.. They are used to roughing it and feel perfectly at home.
    Annie will be the high priestess of the fires
    Likes nicholsong, mariesnowgoose, Pauljenny liked this post

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