I was working in Tesco last night when I bumped into the lady I just started dating. I was re-arranging the washing powder in aisle 7 when she said "oi you told me you were a stunt pilot you lying bastard
To which I replied, "No, I told you I was part of the Ariel display team ..."


A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make 24,000 a year and you make 1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....

"Try doing it with the engine running."



I sent a photo of the wife to the BBC for a new programme they are making but they sent it back and pointed out that the programme is actually called Fact Hunt


Dog vs Wife
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

And last... but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

and if you want to test this

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.